"A Year After Your Death..."

I can't clean out your side of the closet. I could really use the space. But I need to see your things hanging there more than I need the space. Your shoes are still in a nice neat row while mine are strewn everywhere. They're dusty. I hate that they are dusty. It proves that you aren't wearing them. That you will never where them again.

I went to Church on Sunday, but I just sat in the parking lot. I was all dressed up in that orange skirt with the orange button up shirt. But I couldn't get out of the car. I just can't go where everyone knew you. I can't go to places where you are supposed to be but aren't. Besides that, everyone is so nice. They all look at me funny. With sympathy or pity or relief that they aren't in my shoes.

I keep thinking that I'll get over it, but part of me doesn't want to. I don't want to get over "it." I don't want to get over you.

I guess I could start by cleaning out the closet. You never wore most of those clothes anyway. Jeans and a t-shirt is all you wore. Dressier stuff for Sunday, but not your most comfortable outfit and you always looked uncomfortable in your suit.

Yeah, I'll start with all shirts you never wore. I'll take them off their white hangers and put them in a big black garbage bag and donate them to the Homeless shelter. Then I will go for your pants that always have a crease from the white hanger because you never took them off the hanger. They will go in the garbage bag too. It's very dark in there. I will leave the top of it open while I find more stuff to put inside.

Not the ties. I loved your ties. They all meant something to you. The one that you wore when we got married. JB's tie matched. Then there is the Tasmanian devil one and the baseball and football ones and the Christmas one too. I will hang on to those for a bit longer.

Then I will move on to the two suits. Some barrel chested short guy will look like a king in your suits. I'll even give away the Hugo Boss my father accidentally gave you. I won't tell if you don't tell. And all the jackets. You have so many jackets that you never wore because you never got cold. Of course, I will keep the ugly Raiders one because you loved it so.

Now there are a bunch of white hangers and a lot of empty space in my closet. But not really because I still can't clean it out. I can only imagine how empty your side of the closet would be because your side of my heart is completely vacant.